A PMS Newsletter For Men & Ovulation Complaints: Rants From The Dark Side

Posted on July 12, 2011 by

5


PMS witch

This is my PMS alter ego. You like?

The other day, my husband said: “Uh, what’s this email that I’m getting about your menstural cycle? You’re ovulating right now, I take it?”

After a particularly bad month–cramps, fiery temper, deciding that I was going to move to a hotel permanently–I signed Andy up for a online newsletter, The Daily Cramp , that informed him about my flow, mood, horny factor and exactly what time of the month I won’t attempt to rip his eyes out.

Here’s some of the content. Day 27 goes something like this:

Im on fire. Literally.

Today youre getting an education. So pay attention!

A new cycle begins when I get my period. Visually, my cycle looks like this…

Period (Beginning of cycle) Horny Phase Normal Phase PMS (End of cycle)

As my cycle comes to an end, I get crazy this is the PMS part of the month. But you know all about this already. Heres the part you dont know…

As I reach the end of my cycle (and hit PMS), my body temperature spikes. My body literally starts cooking itself. My legs turn into Duraflame fire logs that you can roast smores on.

So right now, as youre enjoying the cool A/C and relaxing in comfort, think about me and the epic blaze thats surrounding my crotch, choking the very life from my joy pit.

Then think twice about saying something stupid. Or else the fire will turn its attention towards your swamp sack.

They’re not all quite as technical, and for the record, I don’t remember my legs being on fire. But even with its Maxim-tailored tone, I’m glad to see someone is pointing out how varied my cycle is.

Probably more relatable to all of us is @pamelaribbon‘s recent rant on Twitter:

“I WILL DESTROY YOU WITH BLOOD AND PAIN AND MORE BLOOD MIXED WITH RAGE AND ONE WEIRD NOSE ZIT.” — My uterus, today.

Yes, that’s more like it.

Here’s the other aspect important factor The Daily Cramp forgot. Ovulation. My ovulation has become MUCH worse than any of my psychotic PMS breakthroughs. There’s cramping, bloating, high levels of irritability and the worst part, gooey discharge. Sorry if this is TMI people, but Jesus, what is in my panties?? I’m more likely to slash and burn AND want to have sex all at once (don’t ask me how I’ll do this, I just will), during ovulation than any other time in my cycle. In fact, the other day while I held my stomach, Elke, 2, asked me “What is wrong with your belly,Mommy?” Oh, my belly hurts, I told her… and one day so will yours my little one. Call me Maleficent, but I’m at my most irrational during ovulation.

My kids are so little that I’m not quite in Miriam or Liz‘s PMS situations where they’re ready and willing to fess up to hormonal changes and what that really means to Mommy’s mood. But, hey, at least Andy’s getting educated.

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Posted in: Marriage, PMS